The Black Hole of Forgiveness: The New Age Trap
Gabriella Brightlight and Kathryn E. May, PsyD
Let’s talk about the black hole of forgiveness. Many times, people think they are expressing forgiveness when they are really in denial. A false New Age idea has been promoted that to become a loving spiritual being you need to forgive everyone, even if they mistreated, disrespected and mislead you. People are so uncomfortable with anger that it has become a religious practice to skip that emotion entirely, and go directly to shutting down to fit in. This is called “forgiveness.”
There is also a similar New Age idea which goes something like this: we cannot use judgment because judgment is condemning others, and to be a spiritual person, you must love everyone. In fact, scrutinizing, assessing and measuring what is happening is the good use of your intelligence, not an unfriendly act. The cabal worked hard, for good reason, to train us into believing that using judgment is identical to being judgmental. It was a deliberate and brilliant teaching to trick humankind into embracing blindness. If we had truly looked at them with clear judgment, we would have seen through their illusion and they would have been powerless over us.
When you look closely at something, you allow the intuitive red flag response which instantaneously leads you to Truth and away from danger. But this would mean you have to use judgment. Instead, you are expected to be ignorant of what you feel, in order to make other people feel good, especially the ones who are behaving badly toward you. You are expected to accept all people just the way they are, even if, here again… they have mistreated you, disrespected you, and mislead you.
The picture we have just described is so circular (forgiveness, denial, forgetfulness, denial, anger, denial, and blindness) it prevents you from ever getting to the point or the truth of what has actually happened. This attitude puts you forever at risk of repeating the mistakes of the past, when using your judgment and intuition would have allowed you the chance to bring your life to a higher level. So you are stuck in denial, because presumably, expressing who you are and what you think goes against forgiving others. This encourages endless tolerance toward people who should not be permitted the rights and privileges of being close to you.
This brings us to the third lie which leads to the Black Hole: By telling the truth, you are hurting others and “making waves.” This is not socially acceptable will bring rejection and abandonment (from the very people you should have already left behind). While keeping this circular emotional prison you can’t speak truly or express your feelings honestly. You are expected to beam love, or you risk being seen as intolerant, selfish and overly sensitive.
How can you be able to beam love when you have put all the resentment, rage and fear into your stomach, intestines, heart and mind in order to paste a big smile on your face and pretend all is just fine? This is not love, forgiveness, tolerance or spiritual elevation; it is denial. All of it is designed to prevent you from being free, and to prevent you from raising your vibration to be the brilliant Lightworker you really are. You have just signed on to wearing the ball and chain which will prevent you from rising to your own Ascension.
Therefore, denial really means you must put all people, events and personal behaviours that you dislike and that make you feel ashamed, angry, hurt or unworthy into a little box labeled “Things to forget.” This you place in a secret corner of yourself while you give yourself credit for having “worked this out.” By doing this, you adopt the cabal principle: “It happened so long ago it’s no longer true, so don’t bring it up.” Understand, that by doing this you cannot manifest your ideal life, because the vision of your ideal life dies with the denial of yourself.
If you are in denial mode, you can’t forgive yourself and you can’t forgive others.
How to resolve this paradox? First we must understand that there are two real forms of forgiveness.
First, there is the truth and reconciliation form of forgiveness, which takes place between two or more people who are present and aware of the interaction. It requires acknowledgement of responsibility, genuine regret and a heartfelt apology, “I promise I will never do this to you again” and they don’t, ever. Only then is it possible for the injured one to truly forgive and go on in the relationship without compromising their integrity and good judgment. (Beware the false apology which carries a tone of blame and entitlement – the “I’m sorry you made me do it” manipulation.)
The following conditions must be present in order to resolve the conflict:
– The one who has been hurt acknowledges their feelings and offers the other the opportunity to make up for their mistake. This is a gift of trust and good will.
– The person who has hurt another takes responsibility, expresses genuine regret, and asks for forgiveness. It creates an environment in which real closeness and trust can grow. From this fertile ground, a strong and healthy relationship can develop.
Genuine reconciliation and forgiveness requires openness, transparency, mutual kindness and conscious agreement before moving on. If you have not accomplished this, and you decide to stay, you are creating a recipe for disaster. If you haven’t seen all of the above elements, and you “forgive and forget” anyway, you are abandoning your freedom and the opportunity to be authentically yourself. It is wiser to walk away. Compromising your integrity in trade for resolution can only recreate the cycle of resentment and pain.
The second form of forgiveness is a solo mastery of feelings, apart from any continuing relationship. This is not to be confused with the above reconciliation/forgiveness. In this case, the perpetrator is unrepentant, unwilling to negotiate, or absent. This form of forgiveness MUST NOT be used as an excuse for playing on the dark side by supporting another’s bad behavior, or for congratulating yourself for being above it all.
We understand that the internal resolution of pain or injury from the past is the path to peace of mind. In order to accomplish this we must be willing to release all feelings of resentment or victimization, which keep us tied to the perpetrator and the darkness we experienced. Seeing that our own recovery is more important than revenge allows us to make the choice to release ourselves to love again in spite of past hurt.
One who has been devastated by traumatic events or a life without love can lose their grip on themselves, on their faith in God and their self-respect. People who have been victimized can fall into a bottomless pit of self-blame and loathing. It takes courage, determination and focus to restore your Faith and to believe in yourself.
This form of forgiveness is fundamentally about your own recovery and the decision to live in the present, in love with yourself. Embracing the truth of your past rather than trying to deny it makes it possible to restore your sense of self-respect and worthiness. This is a real achievement. Learning to love yourself is the true key to forgiveness. It is the way out of the Dark Hole, and the path to manifesting the ideal life you came here to live.
For further discussion on these issues, see Chapter 27, “How Can I Get Over It?” and Chapter 28, “Learning Forgiveness,” Who Needs Light? by Kathryn E. May, PsyD
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