DREDGING UP THE FEARS
PREPARATION FOR ASCENSION
NOTE BY NANCY: A gay minister friend of mine is sharing his journal with a prayer that his experiences will be of assistance to others as we all prepare for Ascension. One way in which he is preparing is by having a past-life regression.
DECEMBER 1, 2012
As I prepare for my past-life regression on Monday, I have become keenly aware over the past weeks/months that FEAR is the #1 issue that confronts my life, as is probably the case with 100% of all other humans. My earliest recollections of this present life all involve being taught to fear—not love. Oh, love may have been sprinkled in there like a sparsely used pinch of salt, but it was never enough to flavor the heaping portion of fear.
As a child, some of the amazingly weird things I was taught to fear were pickles (they cause mouth ulcers!), watermelon seeds (if swallowed they would grow a watermelon inside me!), milk (too much mucus that impedes breathing) and lastly, spinach, cranberries (carcinogenic) and tomatoes which rot the stomach!
Hmmmmmmm?… could this be WHY, at age 25 I developed an eating disorder known as bulimia?????…. Me thinks so!
Why did I migrate towards Fundamentalism??? It gives clear answers that are black and white! My emerging sexuality at the age of 15 was fear-producing! It should not have been, but with no guidance, intelligent support, etc. I fell into fear.
Christianity offered “escape from fear”… really???? No. it actually got worse as my natural proclivities were further scrutinized by myself and other “teachers of the Law” that lead me to an exorcism of homosexual demons in 1983! (I joke now saying that the demons were all lavender-colored that “flounced” out of me fingering their feathered boas with a huff!)
Interestingly enough, that exorcism only served to drive the fear deeper and deeper as I was taught to “bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” So, every time I thought anything about my nature given to me by God, it was The Devil trying to win my soul to himself, and I would have to yell and quote scripture at the top of my lungs, reminded that that is how Jesus defeated him in the Wilderness!
Guess what? It never worked! Something must be wrong with me … my faith? … the way I said it? … did I really mean it? … etc …. And so the fear cycle continued.
In 1975, I attended a Bill Gothard Seminar at Capitol Center. Gothard probably instilled the worst fear of all in my young Christian Soul when he said that God has an “umbrella of protection,” and if we step out from underneath God’s Umbrella, then we were opening ourselves to every sort of “evil” and “demonic attack.”
Well, according to Gothard, I have been way away from God’s Parasol for years, and yet I have never felt more inspired, more spiritually alert and more changed from “glory to glory” than I do today.
Also, in August of 1975 I sang in a Jack Van Impe Crusade. In that crusade, Van Impe predicted that Jesus would return on September 6 of that year. Now, I was to return for my second year of Bible College seven days before the 6th, knowing that my College’s policy was “no pay, no stay.” How shocked and disappointed I was when I had to ante up.
Where did I go wrong? The fear of using my own intuition became further incapacitated by the fear cycle.
With my past-life regression coming up, one thing about which I am certain is that despite all of the fear that I have encountered on this plane of existence, there has continually been that Hand Guiding that has never moved from me one iota. What some would have written off as “Jeff’s Descent into the Netherworld of Darkness” has been anything but!
Has it been pleasant? OMG NO!… interesting and enlightening?…OMG YES!
Fast forward to today: and I still deal with the fears that have deeply rooted themselves. As recently as September, when my ears did not heal, I threw myself into the familiar fear cycle of … “did you meditate correctly?” … “did I use the rays correctly?” … did I really hear the angels correctly?…. and so on. This needs to stop… and it HAS!!!
I have arrived to this day and time (December, 2012) with a heart that has ALWAYS wanted nothing but the best and highest. I know that. As the Ascension sallies forth, I find myself again immersed in an unnecessary fear cycle of “will I really ascend?” etc. I am simply trusting that everything is moving me correctly and judiciously towards that Perfect Day just as IT always has even in the midst of all my doubts and fears.
I am still aware that despite everything that I have learned and continue to learn, that I STILL “Know in part and prophesy in part.” There simply has to be a part of me that says “I will not know until it actually happens; but I will never be separated from The Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go.”
LATER ON DECEMBER 1, 2012
I used to journal in my “Christian” days. Much of what I wrote back then was not honest…. and ya know?… I knew THAT!
I was too “fearful” to truly express what my heart told me was true. Instead of seeing everything from my past as wasted, I now see it through the lens of “What did I learn from that experience?”
This little phrase has turned every “known-to-me” *negative* experience into a “positive” that resonates with “THIS IS the Loving Hand that guides!”
Not one thing that has happened to me in this present life is a mistake. I now know that for whatever reason, all of these things have happened as a necessity to fulfill a pre-ordained contract THAT I MADE!!! Now, do I always want to acknowledge that? NO… resoundingly said!… BUT, I know that I know that I know that for my life to have been anything but what has happened would not have been MY LIFE!
One of the most damaging aspects of Christianity was the notion that I am responsible for other people’s souls. No I am not. I am ONLY responsible for sharing what I know to be The Truth. I cannot convert anyone. All people have a free will and a contract that they need to fulfill, and I do not know what that contract is.
Now that I know that the soul reincarnates, just as Jesus did, I look at everything about a person’s “walk” differently than I did before I knew this truth. I only know that they are God just as I am God. That has, and still continues to be, the most amazing thing that I have learned since August; every person has the Light; they just don’t know it!
The mere fact that everyone will come to the realization that they and the entire creation are One still continues to confound, amaze, astonish, and befuddle me. Now I truly can say, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called accordingly to that purpose.”
Do I *understand* this? Not by any means with my human mind. I ONLY know that it is true because my spirit bears witness with the spirit of God that it is so! I often muse that MY spirit NEVER bore witness to much of what Christianity taught, but my mental self did out of pure fear of “what really IS The Truth?” Wow…. God is soooooo much bigger than ANYTHING that mere Christianity has ever taught me. In fact, I now know that NO ONE, not ANY “religion” upon this planet, even those that have taught principles of “Higher-Self”, “Higher Consciousness,” whatever IT is called, is the complete truth!
I am convinced that we truly DO “see through a glass darkly,” and that I will be totally shocked and surprised, but still enveloped in The Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go when ALL (and even if then I still don’t get every last bit of it!) is revealed.
Fear has always said “Jeff, are you doing everything to comprehend and apprehend the Love that comprehended and apprehended you?????” Guilt, guilt, guilt!!! How COULD I have??? I am STILL in a limited body!
I believe that because the Ascension vibrations are so in motion right now, it actually perpetuates the anticipation. I am trying to take as many deep breaths as possible and simply say “Thy Will be done IN and ON Earth as it IS, and always shall be, done in Heaven!”
I always loved the words to the hymn “I stand amazed in The Presence.” I ask that I never cease to be amazed at what I secretly THOUGHT ALL ALONG was the Truth.
“But then we shall see face-to-face, and know as we are known!!!”
What does that mean???????? I have NO CLUE!!!!!
That’s what makes all of this so much fun!
Filed under: Ascension, Christianity, December 21, Fear, Purification | Comments Off